If you want a marriage with more intimacy and affection, there’s a common mistake many of the men we coach make without even realizing it.
I speak from experience – I used to make this mistake with my wife for many years.
This article and video explains what that mistake is and how to stop doing it.
What is the Big Mistake Men Make?
Questions. Constant questions.
These aren’t normal questions like, “How was your day?” or “How is your mother feeling?” or “Where would you love to go for vacation?”, etc.
The questions I’m talking about have a different agenda.
They are based in his uneasy insecurity about his relationship and himself. They are questions that reveal his underlying distrust, skepticism or judgment he holds for his wife and her loyalty to him.
These questions are hiding a covert plan to catch his wife doing something wrong. In essence, he is trying to prove to himself that his own lack of confidence and need for certainty is justified.
He can’t feel good about himself without her continually validating his value and importance to her.
It’s a really sucky place to be. It can ruin a man if he doesn’t snap out of it and choose a different path.
And when he does, I’ve seen major turnarounds in relationships in very short order. More lightness, more fun, more trust and more affection.
What Do These Questions Sound Like?
The big mistake is not just asking questions. There are lots of great questions.
The mistake is constantly asking the wrong questions.
These are examples of questions that may sound innocent at first, but they have a hidden (or not so hidden) agenda behind them.
- Who were you talking to?
- Who are you texting?
- What did they want?
- Why did you like his Facebook post?
- Where are you going after work?
- Who was that guy you were talking to?
- Why are you never in the mood anymore?
- What do I have to do to make you happy?
- What did I do that was so wrong?
- Why are you giving me the silent treatment?
- How much did that cost?
- Why don’t you like me?
- Why am I always last on your list?
- Why are you always so emotional?
Sure, we might argue that each question has a valid motivation behind it. “I was just saying I wish you were more open with me. Is that so wrong?”. (that was another question)
At the root of each question is a feeling of insecurity, doubt and a desire to control. There are implied rules in each question – rules we want her to follow – or else we will be upset.
This is one way men try to gain a sense of control. By imposing his rules and threatening to become upset or angry he creates the illusion of control.
But I’m here to tell you, brother, the most control we will ever have in our life and relationship is when we learn to let go of controlling someone else.
This requires a strong self-image and emotional detachment from needing to impose your rules on her or anyone else.
Do This Instead
I teach men about the value making statements instead of asking probing questions.
These are statements that come from your own sense of confidence and are simple declarations of what you believe. They are statements that reflect your values. And they come from a calm place of inner strength and security.
For example, one guy I know was terribly upset about all the Facebook pictures his wife took with other men at her gym. He pestered her for weeks about it.
Her jaw dropped the day he finally said, “I’m not surprised these guys are drawn to you. You’re looking incredibly hot. You should be proud of yourself. And I’m the lucky bastard who gets to sleep with you.” Within a week she was seeking him out for attention an affection.
Another guy was hovering over his wife for days because of her bad mood and emotional distance.
The very evening he just said, “I’m sorry you’re having a crappy week, babe. I’m here when you need something to lean on.”…she was on the couch with him with her head on his chest.
And another man was badgering his wife over her purchases for the kids and was demanding to see receipts for everything.
When he finally let go and told her, “You know what, I need to chill out about the money. I know you’re aware of the budget and you always make good decisions for the kids.”…she started talking to him about what she was spending. He had to tell her, “Honey, really, you don’t have tell me about every penny you spend.”
A 7-Day Challenge
Just give it a shot. What do you have to lose?
See if you can go for seven straight days without asking even one probing, question.
Make statements instead.
It’s going to be hard, I know. But I have a prediction.
Before the end of the week, you will see a shift in her energy toward you.
And it will be good.
What does it take to become massively more confident and secure in yourself so you can give a woman what she needs to feel more appreciative, relaxed and affectionate?
It takes a commitment to learning, internalizing and PRACTICING a whole new mindset. New operating principles. Brand new mojo.
And we’ll never find that just in a book, video or podcast. What worked for me is what will work for you. Spending dedicated time with other initiated men and committing yourself to a process of personal change.
This is how our “lights turn on”. And there’s nothing else I would rather do than to spend some quality time helping you do that. I’ve developed a reliable 90-day process that gets consistent results for men and it doesn’t hurt a bit.
Actually, we end up laughing together more than anything else.
It all starts with a simple, powerful, courageous conversation.
Every other week I get together with a bunch of amazing guys in Fort Collins, CO. It’s our “Men, Marriage and Sex” Meetup group.
Recently we were talking about the difference between healthy self-confidence, arrogance and plain old assholism. (It’s like a disease)
I threw out the notion that healthy confidence in a man is where he consciously cares about what others think, feel, fear and dream…but he doesn’t give a crap what they think about him, his values or his mission.
This always confuses guys at first. Just the phrase “doesn’t give a crap” makes them feel like an asshole. That’s part of their problematic “good guy” social programming.
I word it like that to get a rise out of people. It challenges them. Both men and women usually bristle at the idea of a guy who “doesn’t give a crap”.
But pay attention to the wording. He “consciously cares” about the feelings, fears and dreams of others. He may even want to have someone in his life who cares about HIS feelings, fears and dreams.
But a truly self-confident man doesn’t get wrapped up in the drama of other people’s opinion of him. He isn’t rattled by their moods, disapproval or disappointment in him.
Because a truly self-confident man is operating to his own standards for a life well lived. He is living within his own boundaries as a man of integrity, honesty and transparency. He doesn’t require validation from others for the way he chooses to live his life.
He has clearly defined values which direct him. He’s focused on a powerful vision of who he is, what he wants and where he is going.
He’s on a MISSION that is more important to him than those who might judge him and his mission.
I believe it is only THIS GUY who can authentically care about other people’s feelings, fears and dreams without giving a crap what they think about him. He isn’t attached to their approval or to any outcome.
Other men live in a prison of insecurity.
Everything other people say or think about them runs through a filter of self-doubt and fear that makes them react with anger and defensiveness.
They lash out in retaliation. Then they try to control others with criticism and manipulation
These are not confident men. They are assholes.
I went down to the barn and made this quick video for you about this.
The Difference Between A Confident Man & An Asshole
Stop Depending on Her and Start Attracting Her Again
Many husbands and boyfriends these days are operating to a dangerous set of “rules”.
I didn’t see this and I didn’t escape this reality until much later in life.
Now that my eyes are clear and my head is on straight, I want to help you before it’s too late.
The dangerous rules that many guys were raised with sound like this:
If momma ain’t happy then nobody’s happy.
Don’t rock the boat.
Walking on eggshells is what good boys do.
Happy wife – happy life.
Whatever you do, do not piss her off.
Make sure you get a kitchen pass.
Your needs are always second.
All women are emotional. Deal with it. suck it up and learn to apologize.
These are dangerous rules because each one puts you into a second-fiddle frame of mind.
The second-fiddle frame of mind makes you do dangerous things like this:
Tread lightly and tentatively in every conversation.
Act with caution and uncertainty when it comes to decisions.
Seek approval and validation constantly.
Follow her moods up and down like you’re riding on her roller-coaster.
Over-react every time you think you did something good and got no credit.
Argue with her about things that need no argument.
Get defensive and justify yourself each time she seems unhappy.
Stay in a perpetual “pissy” state of resentment and indignation.
The second-fiddle frame of mind makes your relationship incredibly frustrating and stressful.
Here’s what happens when you go there.
You feel like crap. Angry crap.
She finds you indescribably unattractive and unsexy.
You want to avoid her and hide out.
She wants “space” from you.
You complain about lack of intimacy.
She says she doesn’t need another kid to take care of.
You go to work mad and under perform.
She sleeps with her back to you.
The short story above has become an epidemic of sorts. As I mentioned, I finally got my vaccine.
The cure to this cycle of despair lies in one very elusive character trait.
Without it, we are doomed to depend on the feedback, permission and endorsement of everyone else but ourselves.
And in your relationship, lacking self-reliance may very likely be the culprit behind your frustrations and dissatisfaction. It’s also normally tied to feelings of neglect, emasculation and disrespect.
Self-reliance is the trait of being able to self-endorse, self-validate and self-approve. I help men learn how to earn these stripes through action – one step at a time.
These are the entry-level actions you must take to become self-reliant.
Make a non-negotiable list of your self-expectations independent of anyone else’s opinion. What do you demand of yourself without needing input from anyone else?
Make a non-negotiable list of what you expect for yourself. What do you demand for the environment and relationship you want to live in?
Make a non-negotiable list of the specific boundaries you have for your own behavior and for those you choose to include in your life. Decide that you will hold yourself accountable and stand up for yourself.
Understand that no man is born self-reliant. Most of us slowly and surely give up our independence and learn to measure our value, significance and worthiness through the eyes of others. This can easily be reversed with proper desire, focus and commitment.
When men learn to become self-reliant, I hear them say things like, “Holy crap, this is so liberating!”
Or, “I had no idea how dependent I had become and how it was making me – and her – crazy.”
Or, “I feel so damn confident now, it’s funny to see her chasing me for a change.”
I don’t make this stuff up. Those are real stories.
It’s so simple but yet so difficult to see when you’re in the chaos and pain of a relationship.
Self-reliant people wake up happier and go to bed more content. They don’t think of being alone as loneliness.
Self-reliant people tend to talk more clearly and boldly without worrying about reactions or judgement.
Self-reliant people trust their own judgement, are more decisive and they don’t seek approval for who they are.
And most importantly…they’re not assholes.
They find out the only way to truly love, truly be present, truly empathize and truly support another is when they don’t need anything from them.
If you want to learn how to be unshakeably confident in yourself, then below are some options for you to change right away…
Go HERE to apply for a Free “Stop Fearing What She Thinks” coaching call to learn exactly how you can start changing things tomorrow.
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