Chasing your wife is a problem because the act of chasing is needy. Needy is creepy & creepy gets you nowhere. So what do you do when your wife is pulling away?
The same perils of chasing apply to anything…chasing a raise, chasing a promotion, chasing a customer, chasing a client or chasing a woman.
So when you want something what’s a better option?
When you INVITE others into your world and offer them a chance to partake in the value you have to offer, you lose your neediness.
What does this look like?
At work it means becoming so damn valuable that you OFFER your boss the opportunity to give you a big raise. You don’t need your boss to give you a raise. You become so valuable in your job that your invite them to keep you by paying you more. You don’t “need” a raise – you know you deserve a raise and make your offer. Pay me or lose me.
As a business owner, I don’t chase my clients or beg them to like me or work with me. I give them value and explain my mission. I show them what they are missing. I explain how their life will change if they do this work and describe what I require of them to work with me. Then I INVITE them to work with me. I don’t need to chase clients – I offer them a chance to have a better life. Their choice.
This works the same way in your relationships!
You no longer continue chasing your wife or begging her to do anything.
You become an unmistakable man of value with a clear mission.
You show her what she’s missing by calmly and deliberately demonstrating what you want and where you’re going. You don’t need her compliance or agreement. You’re not her Overlord.
Then you make your invitations. You offer her to join you in the amazing life and set of values you’re already living. Her choice.
I know what you’re thinking.
“Yeah, but what if she says no?!”
That question comes from a little place inside you. It’s where our scared 13 year old boy lives.
I’ve got one of those too.
I explain more about him in this video.
Chasing your wife is actually chasing approval.
Chasing your wife is chasing attention, chasing affection, chasing somebody to somehow confirm that you’re good enough, and that you belong and that you’re a valuable man.
The chasing energy is an energy we learned as a young man, dying for the gold star in first grade, trying to win the spelling bee (yes, that was me, I was always a good speller…maybe that’s why I like to write.)
I was always chasing the compliment from my mother, “You’re a strong boy, you’re such a gentleman, you’re such a good boy, look at those muscles.”
Then as I got older and started to discover women, I wanted them to like me, I wanted women to think I was good looking, that I was smart, that I could dance well.
I was looking for approval.
There’s nothing evil about this, it’s just what we do as young men, but it’s that chasing energy that we start programming into ourselves. A chasing, pursuing energy, looking for confirmation of our worthiness and our value, because we believe that it lies outside of ourselves, that somehow we need a woman (or a wife) to confirm that we are valuable men.
So fast forward 20 or 30 years and you’re in a relationship or a marriage with a woman where all of a sudden you’ve heard something like “I really really love you, I’m just not sure that I’m in love with you anymore” or “I’m not sure I can love you the way you want to be loved” or “I’m not sure I want to live the life that you want to live”.
So suddenly you start feeling all this doubt, so you start pursuing, you start chasing, you start gripping on tighter to find out what you can do to make this woman like you again so you can feel better.
Pursuing energy or chasing energy comes from neediness inside us. I know that can feel like an insult, like a slap in the face because we’re being called needy little boys.
I don’t mean to insult you. The truth is, I have a needy little boy inside me. He’s about 13 years old, and guess what, most of us men have this needy little boy inside us too.
This little boy never quite learned that his worthiness, his value as a man, his intellectual value, his social value, his sexual value, his spiritual value, is found inside him…he can’t lose it because he was born with it.
You don’t get to know that your self worth resides inside you by hanging around women, or from women giving you kisses and hugs and sex.
It doesn’t come from other people, it comes from within.
In men’s work, you get to a point of realizing that your sense of self worth and self confidence is not about chasing others for approval, it’s about chasing yourself…to hold yourself accountable, to be more independent, to understand your value to declare what you mean to the world and who you are and what you believe.
It’s about chasing self reliance, not chasing women for their approval.
I want to help you remember that when you’re feeling anxious, or depressed or worried or upset or frustrated or confused in the presence of a woman, it’s not about her. She can’t help you.
As much as you want her to love you and think like you do, value the things you do, in the same way that you do, she can’t do that. She doesn’t think in the same way. She doesn’t think in the same romantic, intimate, sensual and sexual terms that you do.
You have to understand that your wife isn’t designed to fulfill all of your intimate needs. You must find a way to feeling whole in yourself, find the path to feeling like you are a full man without the input of other people, especially the women in your life.
Before you start expecting other people to fill you up with love, you have to learn how to fill up your own buckets of significance and personal growth and contribution.
You must get to a point to where you know the love you feel is always inside you and comes out from you toward other people.
The best place to learn this truth is with your brothers, with other initiated men, male friends and family members.
Intimacy can be had at any level. The conversations that I have with men on our coaching calls are very, very intimate calls, full of love and care for each other.
We go very deep, we get very personal, we get very vulnerable. It gets gets pretty scary sometimes. And it’s just two guys talking.
It’s some of the most intimate conversations that a guy will ever have.
That type of intimacy can fill your bucket up just as much as making love to a woman. I know it doesn’t feel as good. But what I’m trying to tell you is that intimacy is available to you everywhere, and once you start to learn that, you start to lose the pursuing, needy, chasing energy of thinking that your woman is the one and only place you can get it.
When a woman sees a man who has become self reliant, a man who’s filling his own buckets of affection, approval and appreciation, a man who knows he’s good, always, a man who knows he’s confident and knows he’s valuable in many different ways.
That’s when women start to notice. That’s when they start to relax and feel safe. That’s when they don’t feel pursued or pressured to be your everything.
So the next time you feel depressed or anxious or confused or frustrated, remember it’s probably coming from that thirteen year old little boy inside you, just like I have in me, who wants to pursue someone to tell him he’s okay.
I’m here to tell you that you’re already OK.
You were born OK.
Today you’re OK.
And tomorrow you’ll be OK too.
As you lose that needy, chasing energy and take a new perspective that says “I’m already full, I’m already okay”, I guarantee you that things around you will shift.
Things at work will shift. Things in your business will shift. Things in your relationship will shift. Even parenting relationships with your kids will shift.
We see it all the time.
Come and join us, either through 1-on-1 coaching with my colleague Dan Dore or me, or in our group coaching program with other amazing men who are travelling the same path as you right now in our Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable where we will help you re-find the confident, attractive man you know yourself to be.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We are here to guide you on this mission.
If you want to become a man who knows and trusts himself to create the life and love he wants, apply for a free 90 minute coaching call with me, Dan or one of our certified coaches. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.