Urgent Surgery for Your Dying Relationship

You’ve spotted the symptoms but how can you identify what’s causing the damage to your relationship?

When men realize their marriage is bleeding out they rush into my “emergency room”…which means I receive an urgent email asking for help. I have to remain calm to help them calm down. Breathe. Focus.

And I have to help them learn quickly how to not make matters worse. Even with the trauma of “imminent divorce” you have to learn how to slow down so you can focus on finding the real source of the bleeding.

Panicking and thrashing about will normally lead to certain death.

Assessing the Urgency of the Wounds

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Triage is vitally important. You don’t want to work on wounds that aren’t life threatening before addressing the more serious ones. Most guys want to work on everything – all at once.

When I ask about the nature of the injury, I hear a flood of concerns.

“She just isn’t responsive anymore.

She has no pulse for me.

She says I’m smothering her.

All she wants is space.

She says she loves me but doesn’t feel ‘in love’ with me.

We haven’t sex in months.

She can’t tell me exactly where she hurts so I can’t fix anything.

She says we just don’t communicate or connect.

I think she is having an emotional affair.”

I remember being in those shoes. I remember the floundering feeling of not knowing what to say or do next while watching something die right in front of me. I remember trying all kinds of quick fixes. I remember thinking I should have seen it coming and was now in search of a miracle cure.

What I learned is there is no miracle cure. There is nothing you can “do” to help.

At this point in your marriage the injuries are too severe for painkillers and Band-aids. The best thing you can do at this moment is to simply stop the bleeding.

And that will require you to stop doing the things that will increase the bleeding.

The Hardest Things You Need to Stop Doing

Guys are “doers”. When stuff breaks, we figure it and then we fix it.

“There, I fixed it. Next problem.”

This doesn’t work in the emergency room marriage. In fact, acting like we can just quickly patch things up is like rubbing salt into the wounds. It ignores the severity of her pain and it makes everything worse.

If you want to have any chance at saving the patient, here’s what you need to stop doing immediately to slow the bleeding. Pick the ones that apply to you.

Angry outbursts, yelling, screaming, punching holes in walls and slamming doors

Questions, questions and more questions. Heated interrogations

Any sentence that starts with who, what, where, why, when or how

Deep, heavy, long conversations until your eyes bleed

Accusations, blaming, finger pointing and complaining

Ten paragraph text messages and emails

Having emotional conversations in text messages

Pinging her with text messages every 30 minutes

Scouring Facebook, Instagram, etc. every 5 minutes

Snooping, spying, and interviewing friends and family members

Pressuring, pushing, demanding, controlling and/or dominating the situation

Being nice, super nice, overly nice or sickeningly nice

Buying gifts, special dates, or vacations or even a new car

Incessant cleaning and toiling over housework

Crying

Talking or complaining about it to your kids

There are many more, but I don’t want to overwhelm you. Start with stopping those first and the bleeding will slow down. The more you stop with frantic attempts to “fix it”, the better chance she may be able to hit the reset button.

Patience at this time is excruciating and there’s no guarantee she will change anytime soon – if at all.

I know. It’s like being crushed by your own car and having the paramedic say, “Sir, I need you to stay calm.” You know he’s probably right, but he doesn’t have a freaking car sitting on his chest.

You need to breathe, get a grip and stay focused here.

The Best Thing You Can Do Isn’t “Doing” – It’s “Being”

This is not going to be easy.

You’re going to have to take a leap of faith that I know what I’m talking about or just go ahead with your plan.

The best gift you can give to yourself and her right now is a consistent energy of calm confidence.

You don’t need to physically do anything.

All you need to be is unshaken, cool headed and compassionate. You need to be focused on how you are thinking about this. No matter what she says, this situation is not all your fault. You’re not a mean, horrible man or an inadequate husband.

Her downward spiral must not suck you down with it. You can’t help yourself or anyone else if you go down there. Down there is where guys do those 16 things listed above.

The best way to avoid the downward spiral is to know one thing is absolutely true. You’ve got a higher purpose right now.

This is not the time to lose your shit. You owe it to yourself and your family to stay clear headed and strong. This is not all about you and you can’t allow it to crush your soul.

Is part of it about you? Yes, no doubt. And this is the time when men can use this realization to spark a major mojo transformation or whip themselves up into a hot mess that lasts for months or years.

When you understand the real reasons many women spin out of control and away from their relationships you won’t feel so personally attacked. This will allow your pulse and respiration to drop. And then it will be possible for you to have empathy for some of the confusion and pain she is going through.

Yeah, empathy. This is part of your mojo transformation that will change all of your relationships – maybe even this one. When you can muster true empathy you can stop doing those destructive things and start feeling your own clear, calm, confident strength within.

From my experience, this is often the only thing she really needs from you at this very moment.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

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Frequently Asked Questions


Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

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