My Wife Doesn't Want To Have Sex When I Am Upset

“Every time I try to express my emotions to my wife she shuts down. And I know it’ll be about 2 weeks before we’ll have sex again! What the hell is up with that?!”

Take a deep breath. Every time I explain how a man’s vulnerability can mess up his sex life someone ends up getting pissed off. He’ll say something like:

“Why can’t she accept me and my emotions like I’m supposed to accept hers? Why can’t she have a little compassion and show support for ME sometimes?”

This is such a common problem for married men you would think that no woman on earth can handle a man’s raw, vulnerable expression of his emotions.

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I won’t say “no woman on earth”, but as Dr. Brene Brown’s work has revealed, many women get really uncomfortable when their man is showing excessive emotion or vulnerability. At a subconscious level, they can’t help but perceive it as “weakness”.

They can experience it as an immature, boyish energy.

And that can make them feel unsafe, nervous, angry or disgusted.

One man’s wife said, “You’re acting just like a little boy and I don’t want to have sex with a little boy!”. Yeah. Ouch.

But it points to a very real dynamic.

Other articles you may find helpful:

What To Do When Your Wife Complains
Being Fearless and Creating the Marriage You Really Want

Your wife’s sense of emotional connection, relaxation and attraction to you is directly related to how you and your masculine energy show up.

The “polarity” required for attraction and arousal means her feminine energy needs to find something “other” in your masculine energy. That “other” is something more grounded, stable and predictable. That “other” is confidence and emotional resiliency.

And if you have a habit of frequently expressing unresolved and unchecked emotions to her, she may listen…but she may also feel like your mother – not your lover.

One man told Brene Brown at one of her book signings that he felt like his wife and daughters would rather see him die than fall off his white horse. He felt like there was never room for him to show emotion and receive a little empathy. He had to show emotional strength. Always. No matter what.

Have you ever felt this way?

How to Express Your Vulnerability Without Shutting Down Your Sex Life

If you’ve read my stuff for a while you already know what I’m going to say first.

“Take it to the men!”.

The reason I’ve created a community of strong, compassionate, initiated men is so I have a safe place to go with my real deep, vulnerable stuff. You’re invited too, of course.

But what if you don’t have any men in your life yet? And what if you really want to communicate with your wife and share some real deep, vulnerable stuff?

Quick tips for dealing with 3 common types of vulnerability.

The first one is “I’ve had a massively shitty day and I’m feeling sick!” vulnerability. Instead of emotionally vomiting on your wife think about saying instead:

“Hey sweetie. I’ve had a massively shitty day and I’m feeling sick. I’m going to help with dinner, send a few emails, help get the kids in bed, take 4 Advil and go to bed…in that order. Love you. [quick hug] Thanks.”

The second one is “I’m feeling really unmotivated, sad and depressed!” vulnerability. Instead of bending her ear for another hour with everything you’re thinking and feeling think about saying instead:

“Hey babe, I just want you to know I’ve been feeling really unmotivated, sad and depressed lately. It’s not your fault but it’s something I’m working on in case you notice my sorry ass moping around here for a bit. I’m reading some books, trying to eat and sleep better and I’m planning on talking to someone about it. Have a great day [quick hug]. I’ll see you tonight at 6:00 and I’ll bring something good home for dinner.”

The third one is “I’m feeling like you hate me and might divorce me!” vulnerability. Instead of trying to engage her in another marathon, all-night, deep level conversation about what you want from her and the marriage think about saying instead:

“Hey pumpkin, it’s been a rough ride for us lately. I’m feeling like you hate me and might divorce me if things don’t change. I’m keenly aware of your distance and need for space. I just want you to know I’m hurting too but I’m not checked out and I’m not going anywhere. I love you enough to back off the pressure and let you work on yourself [quick hug]. That’s what I’m going to do. In two weeks I’ve planned a weekend with the boys to help clear my head. I’ll cover for you if you need time away too.”

What’s the common theme here?

In each case he doesn’t place expectation, blame or pressure on her. He is clear and honest. He accepts his emotions as his own and he HAS A PLAN to deal with them. He doesn’t need her to make him okay and he’s clear that [quick hug] he’s still in the game.

Bottom Line: When you want to share your true, deep, raw and vulnerable emotions with your wife…own them. Be clear and honest. Have a plan for yourself. Don’t project blame and don’t require her “make you feel better”.

In this video I talk about the importance for a man to consciously own his response. We cannot control ANYTHING in life, love or marriage but how WE CHOOSE TO RESPOND.

And with that choice comes one of the most liberating mindsets you will ever achieve.

Things are only as awful or difficult as you decide they are.

If you don’t yet have the kind of men in your life who you can trust with ANYTHING…you’re invited to share MY men.

Seriously. We WANT you to be with us.

I know it might sound or feel a little weird, but I’m telling you that without a brotherhood of solid men in your court, it’s hard to process your feelings without splurging them all over your wife – I know, I’ve been there!

We want to help you rediscover the peace and calmness of knowing exactly how you want to respond to situations.

We want you to know that the frustration that you may feel too often right now doesn’t define you. It doesn’t define who you are or your future. You have more control than you think.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Dan Dore is a certified professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are struggling and feeling unhappy and unfulfilled i their life and relationships. With over 20,000 hours experience coaching men to completely resolve their self-esteem and confidence issues and improve their ability to create emotional connection, build trust, earn respect, and lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. No more fearing rejection or other people’s opinion of you - I want to help you finally be happy in yourself and trust your ability to create anything you want in your future.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

You won’t find negative, hateful language.
You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

Have questions about your relationship?

Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men's Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.